Funny One Liners

Free funny one liners are right here for you to bring a smile to you or your friends faces. We hope you enjoy these and the links to other funny pages. These are free for you to use for non commercial purpose.











Funny One Liners

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Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx.

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A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

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Never be too open-minded your brains may fall out.

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Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx

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Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante

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I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance.

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My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby.
She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag
would keep me fresh.

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Sex is like air. It's not that important unless
you aren't getting any.

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If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead,
try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

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New words:-
TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

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SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight

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Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a
delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted
by an unscrupulous mainstream media,which holds forth the
proposition that it is entirely possible to
pick up a turd by the clean end

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THE BEST ONE LINER EVER

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