Funny Divorce Quotes



Want to lift yourself out of the doldrums? Then some Funny Divorce Quotes are just the tonic that will go very nicely with the gin!These are free to use for non commercial purpose.



Funny Divorce Quotes

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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild,but
when they go, they take your house and car.

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A Woman's Perfect Breakfast

You're sitting at the breakfast table.....
Your son's picture is on the box of Wheaties.
Your daughter is on the cover of Fortune.
Your boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
Your husband is on the back of the milk carton.

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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again,
so is a bicycle repair kit.

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Funny Divorce Quotes

Divorce surely followed

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs
that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending
the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort
Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before
midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the
following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this
opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will
be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students,
who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge
of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation
although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54
a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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Funny Divorce Quotes

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife"

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Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

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People have 2 ears and only one mouth.
I guess that means that we should listen more and talk less.

Hmm! 2 legs and only 1 head.
Maybe you should think less and F... off!

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My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years
and not once have we had an argument serious enough to
consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny

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Bad decisions make good stories.

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Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Groucho Marx.

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Funny Divorce Quotes

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

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Women think they are so clever at faking orgasms
but only a man can fake a whole relationship.

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If women are so bloody perfect at multi tasking, how come they can’t have a headache & have sex at the same time.
Billy Connolly

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Congrats on your divorce
Over religious differences, wasn't it?
He thought he was God,
And you thought he was a Shit.
But he did bring you religion
And he did it very well
For everyday of your married life
Did you not experience Hell?
Jon Bratton

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Marriage is a three-ring circus
Engagement ring, then wedding ring,
Then suffe ring, of course
Suffe ring's now ende ring,
Congrats on your divorce.
Jon Bratton

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Letting Go Quotes